This Wasn't My Dream

Yesterday was the big day. Port placement day and first round of chemo. Surgery started late, was quick and successful. Then we went straight into his first treatment. Everything was going smoothly....a little too smoothly. Right as we were being discharged, we mentioned how we thought his port might be hurting so we were going to give him Tylenol.  Our NP reminded us that no matter what the circumstances, we HAVE to check his temperature before giving Tylenol. Fevers can be life threatening. So we asked her if she could quick take it for us. Dun dun dun! Her exact words: I'm sorry guys but you aren't going anywhere. (insert breakdown here.)

This wasn't supposed to be the way yesterday went. I just cried and kept saying 'this wasn't my dream, this isn't supposed to be happening to us, not my baby!'' Everything was outpatient. Or at least it was supposed to be. Joke was on us :/

Daddy took the first night shift, I went home and took care of the girls this morning/afternoon when we had a lapse in care for the girls. Aidan's fever got as high as 103, and still hasn't broken. The good news is that we didn't drive all the way home to find out he had a fever and then have to drive allllll the way back down to the hospital. It's over an hour drive. The bad news is that fevers require a mandatory 3 day hospital stay while blood cultures are done. No growth yet. And his last fever check around 9 was 37.7c (which was down from 38.2c when I first got here tonight around 7:30-yay!)

Baby boy is resting peacefully right now. The hospital is not home, but we have to make the best of it.

As the selfish, painful, and angry cries of 'this wasn't my dream' spilled out of my lips, and other choice words floated through my head, I had to remind myself that DUH! Of course it's not your dream Courtney. This plan was set in motion long before you and I were even thought of....this is God's will. I struggled with being angry and just flat out begging God to protect Aidan. I played the song 'Redeemed' by Big Daddy Weave over and over when I was alone with Aidan for a bit last night, I laid my hands on him and I hung my head and focused on those lyrics:
'Seems like all I could see was the struggle
Haunted by ghosts that lived in my past
Bound up in shackles of all my failures
Wondering how long is this gonna last Then You look at this prisoner
And say to me, "son, stop fighting a fight that's already been won.'

So I stopped fighting, I begged and pleaded that God would protect Aidan and help me. Lots of tears, a few phone calls and a decent nights sleep later....I was given a fresh new day to try again. Thank you for grace.

Below are some pictures from our day yesterday. Hopefully none of you ever have to snap any similar photos during your lifetime.