No Guarantees

Tonight as I was tucking Aidan in, the song 'Wanted' by Hunter Hayes came on so I started singing it to him while he held my finger. I love singing to my kids. I watched as his eyes grew heavier and heavier, then for a second pop open and look into mine. I could barely hold it together. It makes me ache to know I cannot guarantee anything for him like I can his sisters. I cant guarantee he won't relapse at some point in his life, I can't even guarantee he will start kindergarten cancer free. And that kills me.

Music

"All I knew this morning when I woke is I know something now, know something now I didn't before."

Isn't it amazing how a simple line from a song can bring your world to an immediate halt? How it suddenly reminds you, on that sunny day while you're out living life like nothing is even wrong, that you're actually struggling to make it through each day. These lyrics came on and I immediately thought about how I know things now that I didn't before all of this cancer stuff happened. Damn those song lyrics for bringing you back to reality. There are many of you that trigger it.

As we approach flu season (aka lockdown in this house!), I'm overcome with jealousy, bitterness and a little sadness. Not because of just any ol' reason though. Rewind to 3 years ago and I had just given birth and was watching my tiny 2 pound babies fight for their lives. That's when I became a germophobe because things like the flu and rsv were DEADLY to my tiny loves. I lived in fear daily. Now, rewind to 2 years ago and I was preparing to take my babies trick or treating! So exciting considering they spent their first Halloween in the NICU. Then the fun dissipated quickly as they all got sick a few days after begging for candy. Finally, rewind to 1 year ago and I was living in limbo. Were these my final days with my son? His final birthday that I would get to spend with him AND his sisters together? Again, I started to live in fear. I had to keep him healthy for his upcoming brain surgery, so trick or treating was out. Bummer. And now, in the current, once again, I'm not allowing my child his own childhood, because of cancer. No trick or treating yet again this year.

I'm so jealous that I don't get to load my kids up and go shopping whenever I want without a care in the world about them getting sick. Keeping germs at bay is my fulltime job. I can't let then play outside on a somewhat chilly day because I don't want anyone to get sick. And boy do I feel guilty because I'm robbing my girls from their childhood too, because their brother has cancer. It's the herd mentality here-if one gets sick, they're all going to get sick. And my fear makes it so that the fear outweighs everything. My poor kids :(

I miss being normal. I miss not being that hovering parent at the playground or while grocery shopping and he touches the grocery belt (gag!). I just miss what it is like to be a relaxed parent! But now that I just explained it to you, maybe I haven't ever been that mom.

I want a redo of my kids' childhood. One where mommy doesn't feel guilt over every decision she makes to protect the health of one child, but ultimately 3. Someday I can give that...