Cancer Is Worse Than The NICU

Never in my life did I think anything could be worse than the NICU. Ever. Ever.

But, I've found it: cancer.

In the NICU, the drs came around every day, told you your child's progress and the plan to move forward. Cancer isn't like that. Cancer is much bigger than these doctors, they can't tell me my child's progress and how we are going to move forward. It's literally a day-by-day journey. Or nightmare, however you want to look at it.

I'm doing my best to focus on God's plan for my family. But sometimes I just can't wrap my mind around anything long enough to comprehend that this is happening to us because He loves us. NOT because he's punishing us for past sins.

I'm human and I fail. Often times it's miserably. So while I try to keep God at the forefront, on my saddest days I find He's actually not there because I forgot about Him.

Just for once I want to scream from the rooftops just how unfair this all is. I should be the one with cancer, not my child. NEVER a child. Somedays it doesn't feel real because Aidan acts fine. If it weren't for the scars on his head, you would have no idea anything is wrong. He's my little trooper, my fight, my will to keep going. He's my child. And he has cancer.

This Thursday is his port placement surgery (second surgery in 5 1/2 weeks mind you) and then after we're discharged from surgery, we go right into our first round of chemo: aka 'controlled poison' as our oncologist so kindly referred to it as. I'm terrified. Not of the surgery for once, but of myself. I have all these scenes playing out in my head. Holding my child while he receives his first round of chemo while trying not to fall apart because cancer is so much bigger than me, the drs, the medicines...

But alas, there's that little whisper in the back of my head that's saying, 'cancer is not bigger than Me.'
And there I go, picking myself back up and carrying on, persevering, and trying to maintain life. Maintain normalcy....and just bask in the time I'm given with my family-like the one in the picture.
-Courtney