Why Me?

These thoughts have been weighing heavily on my mind the last few weeks but I just haven't found the 'right' words to portray them. They make sense to me as I babble all day, every day to myself while changing diapers, redirecting, feeding, breaking up fights and putting mattresses back on the floor. But I can't stop asking myself, 'why me?'

Why did God chose me to be the mother to these 3 children? Why did he BLESS me in such a way, that no words can possibly describe. Why did God equip me with the desires to give these children the best that I have, even if it leaves nothing for me at the end of a day?

But the question I ask myself multiple times a day--why was I, Courtney Trumbauer, chosen to be Aidan's mother. I don't deserve to call him mine. I don't deserve to be a witness to his incomparable strength, charm, and undoubtedly superhero ways. I don't deserve him. He pushes me. He makes me try harder. He makes me find that last little ounce of strength at the end of each day, to do something as easy as spraying bleach water on the toys and sanitizing surfaces he touches to keep germs away. All while he laughs in the face of cancer. My sweet 2 year old boy has no idea the impact of his innocent demeanor and undeserving diagnosis. No freaking clue.

Yet he's mine. I get to be the one who restrains his hands each week when his port is accessed, and he DOESN'T EVEN CRY. I get to be the one to snuggle him while poison drips into his veins. Then I restrain his hands again while they remove the needle from his port and we get ready to go home.

But you know what? He loves me for that. He loves me for being that constant and I hope that never changes. I will always be his biggest advocate, and the same applies to Addilyn and Olivia. Mommy will never stop fighting and advocating for you.