Catching Up

It's been awhile since my last post, I've been trying to sort through a lot of things.

Aidan is doing so well it's unbelievable. We're still going for weekly chemotherapy treatments, and thus far he has experienced no hair loss/thinning or vomiting. I do think he's been nauseas a few times but he obviously doesn't understand it. He gets super whiny and inconsolable and will ask for food or something to drink but them when I give him those items he doesn't eat/drink them. In instances like this we have preventative medications on hand for him. So thank you Zofran for helping my little boy feel better!

I'm not going to lie, I've been quite the skeptic during this journey. It started off so scary and not like I imagined. And here we are 5 treatments into our 60 week protocol, and my child has not skipped a beat. Every week at chemo, the Dr. in charge and our favorite Hem/Onc fellow, Dr. McNew (never thought those words would come out of my mouth..favorite oncologist?? Weird.), come to check on us, see if we have questions or concerns and then they ask me a bunch of questions. I have asked them the last 2 weeks now, the same list of questions thinking that maybe I'm living in anxiety waiting for the stereotypical things to happen to Aidan, when they're not going to at this point. If his hair hasn't fallen out yet, could it still? He hasn't vomited at all, is that normal? He's doing so well, when is the other shoe going to drop? They reassure me each time too. He's tolerating treatment well, and we're VERY happy with his progress. They said they couldn't ask for anything better. I could-it would be him not having cancer to begin with.

What a tough job it seems to be, as a pediatric hematologist/oncologist. To deliver THAT type of news, to be the one to spit and sputter out statistics and percentages and even the morbid time left to live to the parents. I even spoke with our fellow about these thoughts of mine, after all he does have an 8 week old! He is phenomenal, let me tell you. Always upbeat, Aidan LOVES him, and he's kind of dorky in the sense that he wears ties that have characters or ice cream cones or even Rudolph with a red flashing light nose. He is amazing. I'm so thankful for our team of drs in Iowa City. Not only did they save my babies' lives when they were born far too early, but those relationships that I've fostered with the nurses and doctors are indescribable. They touch me so deeply that to even try and explain what they mean to me, I choke up.

I've been on cruise control for awhile now. It didn't hit me until this last week just how stressed out I really am, how anxious I am, and that I'm not sure how these things haven't taken on physical form and started oozing from my pores. Yes, I'm serious, it's that bad. I've been grinding my teeth at night and not realizing it. My entire system is off whack. I'm exhausted, I have hardly anything left to give to anyone. My husband is working so much that I feel like a single parent. He works hard for our family, to provide for all of us so I can stay home, but I wish he didn't work as much as he does. But I know I don't have any other options but to grin and bear it. To glorify. To be a disciple. I will carry this emotional weight of stress and anxiety as long as He is benefiting from it.

Even on my hardest days with my babes, I've been blessed with suddenly being able to see the small things. To appreciate them, to cherish them, to deposit these little things in my special moments memory bank, and to know that THAT is why I'm their mom. No one could possibly love these kids like I do. Heck, I still remember the weekend they were born, and how I told Patrick I never knew it was possibly to love something do much that it physically hurt. When everything seems stacked against me that day, I can hardly hold my head up, they give me purpose. I couldn't imagine my life without them....and it's even truer now than ever before. Want to know why? Because of cancer. It took cancer for me to take a step back and reevaluate the important things. It took cancer for me to start this blog. It took cancer for me to reach out to God and focus on our relationship and how to be a testimony in a troubled time. Cancer isn't always negative, sometimes cancer gives you a reason to start living and loving again.