14 weeks. Most people mark such a time frame in their pregnancy. Or how old their precious addition is. I mark it in how many weeks we have left in our 60 week protocol for chemotherapy. Most would be jumping for joy over this, elated to be almost finished with it all.
You see, I am not most people. I am a worrier to the core. I live in fear, when I know better than to focus on such negatives. But with the end of chemo within my reach, thus signaling time for our Make-A-Wish trip to happen as well, I am plagued with worry. Surrounded by uncertainty. Aidan's prognosis is 90% survival after 5 years. He's not considered in remission until 5 years post treatment. What they DON'T tell you is what can happen during those 5 years. Relapse. A curse word in the cancer world. An earth shattering, soul crushing diagnosis. Aidan is at high risk for relapse for the remainder of his life. Will I EVER be able to live a normal life, without the fear of cancer plaguing me?
I can't wait for that last day of treatment. I get teary eyed thinking about celebrating it. The end of a painful, terrifying time in my life. I'm sure I'll breathe easier for awhile. It will feel like a honeymoon! I dont have to ship Addilyn and Olivia off to someone's house one night a week so I can take Aidan to early morning chemo. We get to be a typical family. The uncertainty lies in this: right now I know Aidan is in good care and I'm not worried about this tumor because it's being treated and showing a response. After chemo is done. That reassurance is no longer there. But I crave reassurance. CRAVE IT.
While this time in our lives is just temporary, I can't wait for the day that I can spend equal amounts of time with all of my children and not just focus on one. I'm tired of feeling guilty about my girls being shipped off to someone else's care. I want them in mine. I don't want to feel heartbreak each time I drop them off. I want to drop all three of them off for a weekend of fun, not a weekend bc Aidan is in the hospital. I just want it all over with.
F U cancer. You may be winning the emotional battle, but you will NOT win the physical battle. I will fight until I can fight no more to make sure Aidan gets to live a typical life like any other child. But I hate that I can't protect him from further hurts.
1 comment:
Beautiful post that brought me to tears. Your strength is admirable and a true inspiration. I cannot fathom the emotions you go through and will always go through. You are an amazing mother and you always see the good, you always fight the fight and you cheer your super hero on like no one else. <3 Praying for continued health and peace.
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