If Only For An Hour

Today's temperature reached the 80s, and boy was it a breath of fresh (warm) air for the people of this household! The kids have been cooped up inside all winter long between Aidan's brain surgery, port placement surgery, and chemotherapy so it was absolutely fabulous to put them in the backyard to play! And get MESSY! And not worry about Aidan catching anything.

Metaphorically speaking, that hour or so we spent outside today was the lightest I've felt in a long time. I got to see my kids be kids, which is something people take for granted every day. Do you even know how it feels to look at your child, while he fights for his life but doesn't actually look like he's fighting for his life, and know that you are preventing him from living a normal toddlerhood for fear of him becoming lethally ill?? Not only does he suffer because of his cancer, his sisters suffer too. They can't go be normal toddlers either because if they are exposed to something and are able to fight it off, it most likely means Aidan won't be able to fight it off. Heartbreaking.

But today, Aidan got to run and jump and pick a dandelion and say, 'mommy, corn!!!' as I giggle and correct him that it's a flower and not to eat it-but he ate it haha! He had skinned up knees, dirty hands, and the ever innocent demeanor. Please, baby boy, don't ever lose that innocent demeanor. My heart relies on it so heavily....and to see you today outside playing like you didn't have cancer, was a breath of fresh air. At least it was until I sat down and went through the pictures.

Today, the cancer is real. It's real every day don't get me wrong, but tonight as the weight came crashing down again on my shoulders, I was reminded of my reality.

Aidan John, I love you more than words will ever portray. I love you so much it physically hurts. In those moments where I ask 'guess what,' and you respond quickly with 'love you mostest,' I pray that that you will always 'love me mostest.'  When you wrap those arms around my neck and give me that precious 'ooohwah' kiss, I just want them to linger. Never stop, never go away, and for me to never forget how it feels in that very moment.

Playing outside today was perfect after a long winter stuck inside. And not thinking about cancer for that time was perfect, too. If only for an hour baby boy, if only for an hour.

Proud To Be His Momma

It's been awhile, I know. Not like anyone noticed, I'm using this for therapeutic purposes anyways.

Aidan continues to thrive. We had 2 hospitalizations in March-the first and last week. He also finished the aggressive part of his chemo protocol and began his maintenance. We've only gotten 2 weeks into maintenance and have been on hold because if hospitalizations and low counts. He's growing still, eating incessantly and is all boy. I love him oh so much.

I hit a wall today and realized that it's been one month since Aidan received chemo last and I'm quite antsy about it. And emotional. I want to keep plugging along. My soul yearns for it. I want things to keep going because the more delays we have, the longer treatment takes (obviously). With no delays we were looking at finishing up chemo in February 2014. Now it's looking more like early Summer 2014 :( and that makes me ache.

Aidan says the word 'chemo' clear as day now. He takes his medicines by himself now. He's losing hair now. His eyebrows have noticeable chunks of hair missing now. He's growing up now. With cancer.

My husband and I recently celebrated our 5th anniversary together (since we met), and it gave us a chance to reflect on all that we've been through. Nothing about our relationship has been easy. It feels as though everything is being thrown our way and it's all trying to tear us apart. We won't let it. We absolutely will not.

I've finally taken the time to get my health in check and am having surgery soon to fix a big problem. I can't wait. My kids need me and this surgery will allow for that. Several people think the timing is incorrect, but to be honest, not time has ever been the right time in the last 3 years. No more waiting.

I'm still clinging to my faith end the promises from God. He is my sustenance. My hope in tomorrow. And my hope in this journey. Thank you God for being omnipotent and omniscient. Thank you.